3 Mistakes I Made with My Teenagers (Post Divorce)

Divorce with kids - it doesn’t matter how the decision was made to divorce or what events led to the divorce, in the end it is all very confusing and disconcerting.

Your sense of self, who you thought you were, is demolished.

Now add in 3 teenage kids, who were already trying to figure out their role in this world as this change was thrust upon them, and you are sitting on a powder keg of emotions.

This is the place - ripe for mistakes, missteps, and misunderstandings. So that’s why I decided to share mine with you, in hopes my lessons may be prevention for others.

  1. Thinking I knew how my kids felt.

    News flash - you don’t. Even if you yourself are a child of divorce, your story is different, your emotions are different, your relationship with your parents is different, and you are an adult. So don’t try to convince yourself that you do or, worse yet, explain to them what they need to do. Now this does not mean you stop parenting and become lax, letting your brood run rough shod because you feel sadness, guilt, shame, anger, etc.

    It means you continue to own your role as parent -

    enforcing rules, setting expectations, and, most importantly, having your actions match your words. Your kids need your consistency now more than ever.

    What is the best thing you can do?

    Be more vulnerable with your kids, more honest, and more curious. Let them see the real YOU and give them grace and acceptance to see who they really are. Open up lines of communication and drop your defenses and defensiveness. Give your kids the best of you to help them move through to healing.

  2. Too much change too quickly.

    I am person who can move forward quickly. Finding blessings in loss and gratitude in tragedy, has become a skill I have honed over my 46 years. I am not always Molly Sunshine, but with cancer giving me a new lease on life,

    I’ve learned how I want to focus my thoughts and energy. However, my kids don’t have the same perspective.

    This divorce is the first thing that truly rocked their lives to the core.

    Therefore moving through this too quickly for them is like taking them through the spin cycle while riding a roller coaster. They get dizzy, sick, and just want to get off.

    So what can you do if you are ready to move forward but they are still reeling?

    1. Slow down and assess your feelings and motives. Are you making your decisions out of love for your family or fear of what you lost and needing to distract yourself?

    2. Seek to understand. If your motives are based in love and truly what is best, talk honestly with your kids. Ask them questions - hear how they FEEL. Comment back to your kids - confirming what you’ve heard and ask if there is anything you’ve missed.

    3. Once you understand their perspective, ask if they are okay if you share some of how you are feeling. Make sure you have their permission, otherwise it will just feel like a lecture to them. When you share - be open, honest, and vulnerable. This is the time for your kids to see your decision making side. The divorce created a lot of mistrust and overall concern about your decision making abilities in their minds. I wish that weren’t true - but it is. You need to regain their trust and that can only happen with open conversations.

    4. Have a needs-based discussion. As you are navigating this move forward, sometimes kids just won’t want to move forward with you. If you believe it is truly in their best interest, then you need to figure out the bare minimum you need and ask what you can do for them to make things easier. You are the parent and kids will resist change but you can still give them respect and some ability to feel like they have control over their life.

    5. Follow-Up After things have moved forward, don’t assume everything is going to go well from here on out - big mistake I made. Continue steps 2 - 4 on a regular basis (every 3 - 6 months).

  3. Not remembering and supporting my kids’ love for BOTH of their parents

    Now this is something I did okay with - for the most part. But it deserves mention since it can be so tough - depending on your ex. We started out very well but my ex regressed into angry name calling and other unfortunate choices towards me. Therefore trying to keep my cool and support my ex, as their father, got increasingly difficult. However, as long as they feel safe,

    it is my job as their mom to tell them they have 2 parents who love them VERY much. To explain that people show love in different ways and that even parents have challenges they are working through. I don’t sugar-coat anything, but I do let them know that even though I am no longer close with their father, they have my 100% permission to love him everyday.

So that’s it - just 3 total mistakes… Bahahahaha! Yep - so many, many more but I’ll save those for another post.

Life is perfectly imperfect and mistakes are fertile ground for growth. So when I make these and many others, I give myself a lot of grace! I hope you’ll consider the same for yourself.

If you have any battle tested insight to share on mistakes you’ve made and how you’ve grown. Please share!

Julie Mulholland